


His Way (or, What The Hell, That Can't Be You)

by Trovia



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003) RPF
Genre: Canada, Challenge Response, Closeted Character, Crack, Crack Pairing, Hallucinations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-05
Updated: 2012-02-05
Packaged: 2017-10-30 16:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trovia/pseuds/Trovia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There it was. Meg had warned him. Everybody had warned him. <i>You don’t go online and read porn about the characters you’ve played. It just drives you nuts to do that.</i> But AJ hadn’t listened. He hadn’t thought it posed such a <i>literal</i> threat. And now he was paying the price.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Way (or, What The Hell, That Can't Be You)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompts Alessandro Juliani/Head!James Callis, "what the hell" and "that can't be you" once upon a bsg-pornbattle.

“Oh fuck,” AJ stated rather calmly. “I’m insane.”

There it was. Meg had warned him. Everybody had warned him. _You don’t go online and read porn about the characters you’ve played. It just drives you nuts to do that._ But AJ hadn’t listened. He hadn’t thought it posed such a _literal_ threat. And now he was paying the price. He had friends who’d laugh at him so hard if they ever learned about this. Which they would, right after he’d been institutionalized.

“Oh no, your mind is in perfect working order. Don’t worry about that,” his imaginary ex-colleague said, brushing non-existent dust off his non-existent sleeve, then smiling at AJ benignly from across the kitchen. He was blocking the path to the door. Figured. “I can assure you that you are perfectly sane. Now, let’s undress and make love passionately.”

He started advancing on AJ. Although AJ knew that this was just a really unexpected psychotic break, he instinctively retreated into a corner of his kitchen as if the other man were really there. “No,” he said firmly, not exactly sure _why_ he bothered arguing with a hallucination but somehow unsurprised about the proposition. It was a hallucination of James Callis after all. James and talk of sex went along like Ron and homophobia. “See, you can’t be the real you. _You_ are on location in London, I think? Getting ridiculous amounts of money to do a bad accent _again_? I, on the other hand, have clearly lost my mind. Also?” AJ glared at James. “I’m straight.”

James snorted. He’d reached AJ, and AJ had reached the wall. He’d bumped into it. “Yes of course,” James said with an eye roll. “Everybody on set knew the real reason why you made Gaeta gay, Alessandro. The whole make-up trailer talked about it all day long. You were mesmerized by me. You were _staring_ at me all the time when I did sex scenes. Salivating.”

His hand was traveling down AJ’s throat. AJ suppressed a tiny scared sound. “That’s not true. I was just compensating for bad writing,” he answered, an edge to his voice. “The script wouldn’t have made sense if Gaeta hadn’t been gay!”

“Yes, I believe that’s the same excuse those fanfiction writers keep using for the slash.”

“I was being _artistic_!” AJ snapped but James just laughed.

“They say that as well.”

Fingers were starting to unbutton his shirt. Anxiously, AJ tried to retreat further but couldn’t. His hallucination had trapped him between the wall and the fridge. It was surreal. Remembering _Fight Club_ , he wondered if he was actually unbuttoning the shirt himself. “So,” he tried to diffuse the hallucination’s attention, feeling panic creep up. “You read fanfiction, too, then. Huh. How’s that working out for you?”

“ _I_ don’t read anything,” James said, smug, not pausing in taking off AJ’s shirt. AJ wondered why he wasn’t currently trying to stop James. But he was just frozen. “ _I’m_ just a hallucination, I exist for the sole purpose of sexual gratification. You, however...” James leaned in to whisper in AJ’s ear. AJ tried to flinch away but didn’t have enough space to do so. “...created me because you want me just that much. You’re _craving_ me, aren’t you? All those nights, you were thinking of me. All those times on set, you and me standing close, discussing if maybe Baltar couldn’t be interested in Gaeta like that after all...”

“What the hell?” AJ made a strangled sound. “ _No._ I was _joking_!”

It wasn’t that AJ had a problem with gay people. Because he didn’t. Of course not. He _had_ made Gaeta gay after all, taking great pleasure from squicking the hell out of Ron. But just because AJ was theoretically okay with men sticking body parts into other men’s body parts didn’t mean he himself wanted to... 

Right now, the body parts in question were James’ tongue and AJ’s ear.

Alright. Maybe it was time for that tiny scared sound now.

James chuckled. “Some of my fans have gone to great lengths to be close to me,” he said. “But nobody has conjured me up yet. I think.” He licked at AJ’s ear lobe. A shudder ran down AJ’s spine. “I believe sexuality is rather fluid. It’s perfectly possible for you to want me without being gay.”

AJ supposed that was true. He was an actor, after all, a stage actor no less. You couldn’t be a stage actor without learning more about sexuality than you’d ever needed to know. And sure, it wasn’t that he’d never _wondered_... 

Oh God the hallucination was right. AJ had conjured it up because he felt attracted to James. There was no other explanation. AJ still didn’t feel particularly inclined towards sex with James specifically but still here James was, conjured up by AJ’s subconscious, and there had to be a reason for that. It was either this, or he’d gone to that bad place feared by all actors, the one where you thought television was real and your life was fiction. That made a frightening amount of sense, too, considering James was suddenly in his head like a Six. Oh God no. Not that. He’d rather be closet gay.

AJ decided that he’d much prefer having a super secret gay crush on James Callis over losing his mind. Gay crushes were okay. Gay crushes could happen to anybody, especially in Canada. AJ didn’t have a problem with gay crushes, not on general principle. Losing your mind however was nasty. It would mean he’d have to be institutionalized when he’d just been cast for a new show, a good show, one that had promised him a first name right away. AJ was more attached to his career than to his heterosexuality. 

Having rationalized it all away thus, AJ found himself relax. Now he could deal with this.

“Alright,” he said. He paused, clearing his voice, then pushing James an inch away to give him a scrutinizing once-over. Okay. Pulling himself up, he concentrated on the task at hand. Not bad, he decided. Not bad at all. Surely he could work with this. “Alright. Why the hell not. But just so we’re clear” - he gave James a warning look - “you’ll be on the bottom.”

Then he grabbed his personalized hallucination by the collar and drew it in to kiss it in a more manly fashion than before. If he had to masturbate crazy style, he’d very well do it his way.


End file.
